I like to be the caretaker. The one who helps someone else. Just so you know.
I do NOT like to be the person being taken care of. I do not allow myself to be that person. And last night I realized something; I have been robbing others of something.
I constantly rob those around me of the joy of being needed by me.
Growing up I believed a serious lie. That if I could be as perfect as I could be, that my parents would love me. I really believed that love from my parents was THAT conditional. It wasn’t anything they did necessarily, it just seemed logical to me. Be the best = people love you. Be the not best = no one likes you. See? Logic. I am
25 28 29.5 33 years old, and I JUST realized this lie I was believing was a lie. I had this epiphany LAST NIGHT. Obvi, I am a really smart person. I think I have been living this way for so long that I just did not see it anymore.
I was having a conversation with my dad about selling our car and buying a cheaper one so we could get rid of the loan we were paying on it, and the money we were moving around to make it happen. My dad offered to help us out and I refused. Because I ALWAYS refuse. Because logic again: take people’s precious money away from them = not the best = no one likes you. Then he pointed something out to me, I always turn him down when he offers to help us. It is true. He WANTS to help me, my children, my family, and I always deny him that gift. Because I want to look like I am super in control of my life, that I am super not in control of, so I can earn my parent’s unconditional love. Still. At 33.
After the phone call I cried a lot. Much like I am doing now. Because I hurt his feelings so many times by saying no. I never thought about it that way. I though he would be impressed! Like “Wow! Amy has it going on! I just love her so much for not taking any money from me.” I was so wrong. I really feel terrible.
I do the same thing with compliments. I realized it a while ago, and I am trying to change that. When someone compliments me, I
often always say “No. Not really…” And how rude is that of me? I might as well say, “No you are wrong, I’m the worst, and you are dumb for not seeing it.” Now I am trying a different approach by saying, *ahem* “Thank you.” How hard was that? Very for me. I like to tell other people THEY are the best. I do that very well. I love being the cheerleader, but not the cheered. However, I’m actively working on it.
I urge you to work on it with me, if that is your thing. Be completely honest and authentic with those you may have not been with before. ALLOW them to help you. How ever that may be. Let people into the scary, uncomfortable parts of your life, because that is when you need it most. They need it too. Even if you think they don’t. Even when you think you are doing them a favor by not letting them see it.
Please know now:
You are not a burden. You allow others to be needed.